It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
