eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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