You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
