Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
