remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
