after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
