my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
