Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
