i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
