Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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