I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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