i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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