and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
