ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
