I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
