remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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