Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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