Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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