I think i peed on brittanys purse
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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