I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
