Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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