I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize