There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
