hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
