my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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