I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
