i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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