Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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