foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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