Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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