My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
