I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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