apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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