decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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