What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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