So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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