She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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