I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
