Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
