We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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