so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
