This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
