I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize