im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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