I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
