My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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