he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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