From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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