I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
