My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize