There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh god it's open bar.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize