Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
