I am in a vortex of obligation.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
are you so shy because you have an std?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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