I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
