plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
