Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
