He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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