if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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