i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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