U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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