I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Are we still banned from the library?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
