Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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