Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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