No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
