i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
my liver is dry heaving
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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