I wannas sexs uuuuu
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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