Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
