I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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