i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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