I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
