I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
