he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
