Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
